Domestic Violence in Lesbian Relationships

Are there differences between lesbian and heterosexual domestic violence?

Lesbians relationships involving domestic violence are not about mutually fighting.  Domestic violence is about power and control, the abuser's goal is to dominate and disempower the victim.

There are many factors involved in a victim's inability to  leave a relationship.  There are issues of economic dependency, resources, fear and shame that the survivor must deal with when thinking of becoming free from the relationship.

But in a lesbian relationship, there is an additional issue of manipulation by the abuser to "out" the victim if she tries to get help or flee.  Outing is a serious issue.  A lesbian who is ousted may lose her job.  Being ousted to friends and family may cause the loss of relationships that are important in her life.  The issue of losing her children by court order can also keep an abused lesbian in a relationship.

     SOME FACTS:

     It is a mistake to assume that all lesbian relationships are based on "femme" and "butch"
     pairings, or that an abusive lesbian must be the "masculine" one

     A lesbian relationship can be just as physically violent as a male/female partnering can be.

     Hotline and domestic violence shelter staff can often unwittingly ostracize lesbians by
     automatically using "he" when referring to the battere and not providing literature that 
     includes  information for battered lesbians.

     Family Domestic Violence Services provides one-to-one counseling, shelter, legal
     advocacy, support groups for lesbians who have been emotionally, physically,
     psychologically and/or sexually abused by their intimate partner. We also provide
     community education, training and consultation about lesbian battering and homophobia.

     Advocates for Family Domestic Violence Services are committed to providing services 
     for lesbians and their children who are or have been victims of domestic violence.
     We are responsible for providing opportunities for battered lesbians achieving self-
     empowerment through support and advocacy.  We are entrusted to provide a safe
     environment to assist in the empowerment process.  Through community education
     and outreach, Family Domestic Violence Services will encourage active community
     responses in the recognition and elimination of the conditions and perceptions that
     perpetuate lesbian battering, homophobia and misogyny.
 

A Fear That Will Always Be In Me 
by Rebecca

" I really believed that women respected women and that I wouldn't feel as much pain as I did in my past relationships with guys...unfortunately, I was wrong.  Very wrong."

Psychological abuse in lesbian relationships can be subtle and confusing.  Political ideology and understanding of oppression can get twisted around to justify abusive behavior.

Does your partner want power and control over you?

You could be in an abusive relationship if:

    You feel like you are walking on eggshells
    You are afraid of her temper and change your actions to avoid it
    Your partner seems like two different people
    You don't see your family or friends to avoid her jealousy or anger
    Your partner blames you for failures in the relationship
    Your partner wants to control where you go and what do
    She puts you down, humiliates or lies to you
    She screams at you, throws things, breaks your things
    She forces you to have sex
    She slaps you, shoves, hits, kicks, punches or restrains you against your will
    She threatens to "out" you as a lesbian
 

IS LESBIAN BATTERING THE SAME AS STRAIGHT BATTERING?
reproduced from Minnesota Coalition for Battered Women: Lesbian Battering Manual

     SIMILARITIES

• No one deserves to be abused
• Abuse can be physical, sexual, verbal behavior to coerce or humiliate, emotional    or psychological
• Abuse can be lethal
• The purpose of the abuse is to maintain control and power over one's partner
• The abused feels isolated, afraid and usually convinced that t he abuse was somehow her fault or could have been avoided if only she had known what to do

     DIFFERENCES
 

•  Lesbians who have been abused have much more difficulty finding appropriate support than straight women
• The myth prevails that lesbian abuse must be "mutual".  No one assumes straight abuse is mutual
• Utilizing existing services is tat amount to "coming out" and a major decision
• Support services and friends often minimize lesbian violence for several reasons:  because the  lesbian community doesn't want to destroy the myth of a "lesbian utopia", because the lesbian movement doesn't want to destroy their myth of "all violence is caused by men", because it is easy to fall into the trap of assuming that the size of a person has anything to do with battering 
• To complain about lesbian abuse is to reinforce the stereotype that lesbians are "sick". 
• Lesbians have to face not only the sexist culture, but also homophobic ones as well.  A woman of color must face sexism, homophobia AND racism.
• Lesbian survivors may know few or no other lesbians; leaving the abuser could mean total isolation
• Lesbians usually aren't as tied financially to their partners as are straight women 
• The lesbian community is small and in all likelihood everyone the survivor knows will soon know of her abuse

Discussing a safety plan is important in every case.  Some good advice to give a victim:

      Go To The Emergency Room If Injured
 

• Remind the victim that the only way to legally document any injury, no matter how minor it may seem to seek medical attention

• Pack an extra set of clothes and important items, store at work or with a friend in case you need to leave in a hurry.  Include toiletries, medications, extra keys and money
• Move meaningful belongings, identification and other important papers (birth certificates, passports, SS cards, drivers license, checkbook)
• Consider contacting a safe friend, co-worker or family member who you can stay with in case you feel danger and need to get away
• Have an idea of how to get away, including dialing 911
• Document what has happened to you. Save records, take pictures of injuries, damaged property, save police complaint numbers
• Trust your instincts.  If you feel like your partner may become violent you are probably right

• Abusive partners control their partners by silence and isolation
• Contact your local domestic violence program of Gay/Lesbian community Center.  In NYC contact the Gay and Lesbian Anti Violence Project Hotline 212-807-0197